I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
