my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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