Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
