There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
