I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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