I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
