the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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