i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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