And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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