The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
