A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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