i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My bed smells like the plague
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
