His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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