I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
