Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
