After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
