Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
