I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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