her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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