shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
