Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
