you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
