I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
