at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
