I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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