I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
