grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
