I want to walk on stilts...naked
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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