I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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