did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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