I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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