my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
