Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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