His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
