Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
