Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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