i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just invented taco cereal.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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