You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
