What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
