My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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