omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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