Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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