i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
