I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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