she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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