There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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