So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
