My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
