ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
