You made me cry and you don't even care
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
